The Hardest Day of My Life
by The Night Lord
Summary: Set after You're Welcome. Fate has torn them apart, but one favour allowed them to be together for a day. Now, Angel struggles to deal with the aftermath and feeling the emptiness that he has because of it. Oneshot. Please R


**This is an angst/romance fic, as Angel struggles to deal with Cordelia's death following "You're Welcome"**

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What was the hardest day in my life?

It can be hard to tell. I had lived for twenty-six years and been dead for two hundred and fifty-one years. For one, it could be the night I got my soul back for the first time, cursed by gypsies for killing their favourite daughter. That night was hard, painful, as I had to live while suffering from guilt over the murders I had committed. It was also the night my sire and lover, Darla, had thrown me out of the house, threatening to stake me because I was no longer evil

Another day could be back in 1952, when the people I had been trying to help turned on me and lynched me in the hotel I was staying at. The hotel that would later become the base of Angel Investigations. Another day would be when I had masqueraded as Angelus to get information on the evil mayor of Sunnydale and ended up tormenting my lover, Buffy, a little too much. She was shaken by the experience and wanted to be left alone after that for a while. That had hurt me, as I wanted to comfort her and tell her it was okay, that I didn't mean anything I said. Then there was the day I left Sunnydale, leaving Buffy behind and moving to Los Angeles to live a life of my own, helping the helpless. Then there was the day I was turned into a human and spent a night of passion with Buffy without consequences, only to find out that she would die and so, I turned back time, remained a vampire, retaining the memories of that day, while no one ever knew

There have been so many hard and painful days for me that I have nearly lost count. But there was one day that stands out from the rest, one that will haunt me until the day that I die. One day that stands out so much, it is hard to bear. I don't know how I manage, but maybe it's because of what she had done for me before she left that I will continue on for her until the day when I could meet her again

It was the day when my beloved Cordelia Chase, the one person who I had considered as the mother of my son and as my soul mate, passed away

I had met Cordelia in Sunnydale, along with Buffy and her friends. After three years in Sunnydale, we had moved to Los Angeles at separate times, meeting up again and forming Angel Investigations along with Doyle, a half-demon human who received visions from the Powers That Be. Another painful memory surfaces. The night that Doyle sacrificed himself to rescue a group of half-demons. I know I will always remember him for his humour and bravery. Cordelia had been devastated by his death, as their relationship had just started to grow, but in the process, she had received his visions, becoming my seer. A few demons have used her ability to their own uses: Vocar, who showed Cordelia all the pain of the people in the world. She had ended up in hospital, terrified and in pain. Only when I killed Vocar, that's when she was fine and from that day, Cordelia began to change, metamorphosing from a snobby, rich girl into a caring, kind and beautiful woman. Another demon, employed by Wolfram and Hart, tried to kill Cordelia by manifesting her visions. Another demon that was slain by me. And the final demon, a mercenary named Skip, who manipulated Cordelia and us into ascending Cordelia and having her possessed by a corrupt Power That Be, a catalyst which resulted in Cordelia's death

I try to ignore her death for a while as I focus on the times we had together, the good and the bad days, the seer and the vampire, just us with the gang. I had started falling for Cordelia after seeing how much she had changed and always hoped she would feel the same way, even though there was the curse that came attached to my soul. When my son, Connor, was born following Darla's death, Cordelia was the only one who I considered as Connor's mother, with the way she cared so much for and it was Connor, I believe, that was bringing us closer

However, fate chose to step in the way. I tried to confess my feelings to Cordelia after a spell had been cast on us at a ballet, but her old lover, the cartoon character Groosalugg, arrived from Pylea and took her from me for the time being. I lost my son to an old enemy, only for him to return a week later as a sixteen-year-old, raised to hate me and kill me. But despite that, Cordelia and I were ready to confess our feelings to each other, how we really cared for each other and how we could be together

Fate stepped in again. Cordelia was ascended because of all the good she had done, but there was an ulterior motive behind it. Connor, who believed I had killed Holtz, meanwhile, had sunk me to the bottom of the ocean. That hurt me more than anything, as Connor didn't come to me and talk, still not trusting me. I was rescued by Wesley and Cordelia returned, however without her memories. We restored them, but unwittingly woke up the creature inside. Cordelia was possessed shortly after and had fooled us greatly in thinking she was on our side against the Beast, a creature that had risen up and only Angelus could defeat him. Those days would haunt me when I had run free as Angelus, but it was nothing compared to the day I had to kill Cordelia to prevent Jasmine from rising. I failed and Cordelia slipped into a coma, while Connor started to lose himself. After defeating Jasmine, I made a deal with Wolfram and Hart: I would take over if they gave Connor new memories and a new life, while trying to find a way to wake Cordelia out of her coma

Then the most painful day of my life came. Cordelia woke up out of her coma and I was overjoyed. My beautiful seer was now back in my life and I wanted to tell her how much I felt about her. But she was there as a favour from the Powers That Be to help me back on my track and to show me who the real evil behind Wolfram and Hart were. I received a phone call after Cordelia and I shared our first and real kiss, from which I received the vision. I answered the phone, only to find out that Cordelia had died and we had been talking to her astral projection. Tears filled my eyes when I heard of her death and the phone fell from my hand. Slowly, I left my office and headed towards the hospital ward and went into her room, seeing her finally at peace. I sat beside her and held her limp hand, knowing it would never squeeze mine to give me the reassurance I always received from her. Tears fell down my face, as I stared at her beautiful face, her body and mind finally at rest, memories of our time together flooding my mind, as tears flooded my eyes. I felt my strength slipping away upon realizing that my beautiful seer, the only one who was the light to my darkness, the one I considered my soul mate, was gone forever

Then came the hardest day: her funeral

Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Lorne, Harmony and even Spike were upset when they learned of her death. To them, she was the sparkling beauty, the one who kept us together as a family, especially for the former Angel Investigations team. The day of her funeral arrived and we were having it at night so I could be there. We had the service at a church, remembering Cordelia as the one who always gave us hope while we were in our times of darkness. I went to her open coffin and planted a small kiss on her forehead, before slipping a ring onto her left ring finger. I had a pair of rings made with our names on them. I had given her the ring with my name on it, while I kept the ring with her name on it. Everyone else said his or her goodbyes, we closed the lid and then Wesley, Gunn, Spike and me carried her coffin out to the cemetery. Fred and Harmony were both crying as Cordelia's coffin was lowered. Both Wesley and Gunn's eyes were red, but they didn't let the tears fall and neither did Spike, his face a clouded mask. I could feel the tears burning at my eyes when her coffin came to a rest and the caretakers began to fill her grave in. Lorne was the first to leave with Harmony and Fred. Once her grave was filled in, Wesley and Gunn left, leaving just Spike and me

"I'm sorry, mate," Spike whispered

I heard him leave, before standing at Cordelia's headstone. I let the tears flow down my face once again, as I read her headstone, my dead heart breaking over the great loss I had just suffered. Fate was cruel to me, but this was the cruellest act it had ever played, taking Cordelia away from me

I left when the first rays of sunlight began to appear, but I never forgot about her. I visited her grave nearly every week, placing fresh flowers down near her headstone and staying there until the sun began to rise. Whenever I was in the office, alone and off-duty, I was always take out the photo that was always in my drawer. It was the photo of Cordelia, me and baby Connor, taken just before Cordelia had chosen to become a half-demon to help with her visions whilst in a brief coma

Darla may have sired me, been my lover for one hundred and fifty years and be the mother of my son, Buffy may have been my girlfriend for three years, we had loved each other greatly, Nina may have made some moves on me and I had accepted, but I knew that despite these women and their greatness, there was only one woman who stood out before them: Cordelia

She was there for me in my darkest days, always helping me through with a winning smile and reassurance, her cheerful nature so infectious and now I will never see that again. For however long I lived, I will always remember Cordelia and there would be no girl who could come even close to her, not even Buffy. Cordelia will always be in my heart, right up to the day I die and I would be with her once again…forever

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End file.
